Trying to cope with a relationship that has completely broken down is never going to be easy. Sometimes it feels like you’ve tried everything but to no avail. When you’ve both tried your best but still find your marriage isn’t working, it’s probably time to get a divorce. However, what’s the best way to initiate a conversation about it with your partner without causing all-out warfare or distress?
The moment when you first broach the subject of divorce with your partner is always going to be an awkward one, and knowing how best to handle it is essential. While there isn’t a single solution to the problem of telling your spouse you’re ready to get divorced, here are some top tips that may help to make this difficult conversation with your husband or wife a little less uncomfortable.
The first thing to consider is whether you’re really certain you want to get divorced. Every marriage has it problems but threatening divorce due to frustration or anger, or because you want more control over your relationship isn’t the solution. If you aren’t completely convinced that divorce is the only way forward, consider getting couples counselling or therapy instead. This will help you to work out your feelings and decide whether anything can improve the current situation.
If you’ve come to the conclusion that you really do think divorce is the only possible answer, you need to understand the emotional state of your partner. Are they equally unhappy or are they blissfully ignorant? Knowing your spouse’s awareness of the problems in your marriage will prepare you for the way they’re likely to react.
Choosing The Right Place And Time
You need to choose the right moment and place to tell your spouse about your decision. It’s important to choose somewhere where there’ll be no interruptions and without the children present. Whenever possible, it shouldn’t coincide with other major events in your life, such as an illness or unemployment. Avoiding extra stress is paramount. You also need to ensure that there’s sufficient time for calm discussions to take place. Never drop the bombshell then walk away.
Be Firm Yet Gentle
The way in which you approach your spouse is set to affect the way your divorce process will unfold. If you approach the situation with blame, frustration and anger, you can’t expect a calm response. Being compassionate and gentle while also staying firm is essential. Kindness and respectfulness will go a long way. You’ll also need to be prepared for their reaction after you’ve broached the subject. It’s reasonable to expect retaliation or anger if the decision comes as a complete shock. Offer your spouse support when dealing with the initial feelings while remaining calm. You should use I statements rather than You statements as this will avoid blame and the inevitable fight which will follow.
After you’ve broached the subject of divorce, you’ll both have a lot of emotions to handle. Resentment and anger among other emotions can affect your communication abilities with each other and prevent you from moving on peacefully.
Seeking help from a therapist or counsellor could be beneficial in helping you both cope with all the emotional elements of getting divorced and help you to work cooperatively with each other towards a peaceful divorce.
Avoid Discussing Details
When you first raise the idea of divorce, it’s important to avoid discussing details straight away. If you end up negotiating your settlement without getting the right advice from professionals you could end up with more problems in the future. Make sure to reassure your partner that you’re keen to work cooperatively to achieve a fair outcome for you both and an outcome which is the best one for the whole family.
If your spouse is reluctant to be cooperative with the divorce, it’s extremely frustrating. When you want to keep the process of divorce peaceful, it can be difficult to avoid ending up taking the case to court. Nobody should feel obliged to stay trapped in a marriage which is unhappy, so if you’re ready to get divorced but your spouse won’t cooperate, you’ll have to look at a non-peaceful option. Hiring a solicitor to handle your divorce may be the only answer, however this will set a negative tone that will affect the remainder of your divorce proceedings. Mediation could be the best way to keep the process peaceful, especially if there are children involved.
Making The Right Choices Before Embarking On Divorce Proceedings
As you can see, there’s no single answer to how to ask your spouse for a divorce. However, preparing in advance and paying attention to these tips will help you to be ready to make the right decisions when the time comes. Approaching the situation in the right way will get you the best possible chance of continuing to move forward while keeping the process peaceful and smooth-running not only for your children and spouse but also for you yourself.
It’s important to remember that every action and choice matters when trying to arrange an amicable divorce. Getting the moment right when you ask your spouse for a divorce is a key step towards a peaceful settlement.
However long you’ve been together, and whether or not it’s you alone or wants to divorce or whether you both want to end your marriage, making the right choices before embarking on the process is essential if you’re to set the right tone for the way in which the process will pan out both for your children and you. It will also determine how fair, cost-effective and peaceful your divorce or separation will be. With the right preparation and the right attitude from the very start, you can make sure that everything goes as smoothly as possible.
If you need help with your divorce or separation call The Divorce Manager on 0800 294 0452 to book your FREE consultation.